bacon

i remember the haunting allure of this painting like it was yesterday. @ the tate modern , a radiohead lull in my ear canal


everyone loves bacon right?

how to tell if she's a winner

ahh yes, the life of a bachelor... where do i begin? well, i could begin at the beginning but i would rather travel through the time line of a hypothetical date. brace yourselves! 1.21 gigawatts!?!

< insert the beginning of a perfect date here >

***

" that'll be thurrteen fifte."

"god, i hate cab drivers. bloody extortionists. quick to raise the price of gas when crude skyrocketed during the summer of 08, but haven't budged since. clearly, prices are downward sticky. i should downward sticky all over this guy's backseat. ill show you..."

* pulls out paper-slim wallet and hands the cab driver a ten and five sacagawea dollars *

"keep the change."

"hahah, sucker. wow, i can't believe i landed this chick. shes actually coming in with me. dont fuck it up. act cool. i mean, at this point she isn't going to not sleepover, but lets try and make this pleasurable for the both of us."

***

* rubs hungover and post-euphoric eyes *

" brilliant. a job well done. "

* pats self on back * thats right, an in-bed back pat

" oh, did i wake you? I'm sorry. at times, my celebratory maneuvers do tend to be a bit loud."

" no worries, i'm going to go tinkle. probably all over your seat, but dont mind me."

"excellent. operation PoiletTaper is now in effect."

*** 

" yea, i had an excellent time as well. hope to see you soon."

* slams the door and sprints upstairs to the bathroom *

" JEEPERS! SHE'S A KEEPER!"

***

you see folks, i have devised a rather simple way of telling who i'm going to keep or who i'm going to release back into the ocean. i intend on strategically leaving three squares of tp left for my overnight female counterpart. and yes, another roll is visible but out of arms reach from the toilet ( this is to force a conscious decision of whether or not to replace the roll. if it is within arms reach, one's motor functions usually take over and automatically replace the roll ). if she consumes the last of the tp roll without replacing it, shes out. see ya later. nothing else matters.

and there you have it. i will test this as soon as i'm able to lure a woman back into my fortress of solitude.

nick

interestingly enough

stumbled upon this post earlier today, its worth a quick lookover for a chuckle.

Predictably Irrational » Blog Archive » What boyfriends and girlfriends search for on Google

physics for poets

i cant stop listening to this entire cd ( werewolves and lollipops), but the track "Physics for Poets" is one of my favorites.

Oh, hi Mark!

i know its been awhile since ive pecked my thoughts into a text editor. for my own sake, i apologize. but, here i am, back at it again. 


i would like to begin by stating, 2009 kicked ass like an ephedrine popping steven seagal. a sizable portion of my fondest memories can be traced back to the follies of 2009. furthermore, i get giddy in the tummy thinking about the relationships that i've strengthened and created over the past year. that giddiness can partially be explained by a wee bit of nostalgia... at this point, i can't help but recall Don Draper stating "in greek, nostalgia literally means the pain from an old wound," while i think this may be true in an esoteric sense ( especially for Dick Whitman ), im not one to become complacent in lieu of the past. my state of my mind is focused on how the memories of 2009 can shape a perfect 2010 circle.



so, without further adieu, here are my not-so-commonplace new years resolutions:
 
new years resolution numero one -
    give up professional sports entirely. well, perhaps im exaggerating a little bit, but this is my ultimate goal. i realize it will be difficult to give up the conversation teet that is sports, but i'm beginning to recognize the same dull cyclical similarities that pushed me away from my spirituality. i believe there is more to life than wasting time with repitition. What am i going to do with all of this spare time? read, jump rope, learn to cook something other than pasta, embrace culture, snarf, stretch, master the art of rock paper scissors, practice public speaking in a top hat, work on my jumpshot, smile.

new years resolution numero two -
   put an end to my desperate need to use negativity and cynicism to communicate with the outside world. it has gone on for long enough. at this point, i have no one to blame but myself. if you have read this and choose to hang around me, i give you permission to pinch me whenever i say something malicious or use foul language.

2010 will be the year that I stand triumphant.



i know 2009 was inexplicably difficult for you, but the year has come to a culmination. oh ten will be your magnum opus. oh ten will be the year where you burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!"*


*thanks jack for giving me the words to describe an otherwise inexplicable emotion

resonant tunes that will tickle your new years ears

spoon - Rhthm & Soul
the rolling stones - Sister Morphine
a perfect circle - 3 libras ( acoustic )
blonde redhead - misery is a butterfly
third eye blind - i want you

Five Visible Drops

Tonight marks the 20th consecutive occasion ( yes, i'm counting ) where I have concluded my workout at the gym with a 10 minute flirtation with the sauna. As my old bones soak in the wet heat, I begin to think about why exactly i choose to spend an additional 20 minutes at the gym every evening. And then it hits me, its because im making time to think without the intrusive tones that surround my daily routines.

Im pretty sure this is why 60+ YOs bask in saunas; reruns of The Price is Right and Matlock allow no time for thinking. These shows are the definition of mind numbing action.

Im pretty sure this is why mobsters and their henchmen prefer to do business in the sauna. As you are reading this very post, leaders of notorious crime mobs are meeting in nothing but towels to discuss effective means for improving their opiate distribution. ....which reminds me of a vivid fight scene in Eastern Promises. what would i do in a sauna fight to the death? do i have time to roll up my towel into a "rat tail" and whip my opponent into submission? would i use the terrain ( to include the steaming heater ) to my advantage or just utilize wrastling moves that renders my opponents limbs useless?...
"i believe we can improve the probability of successfully transporting the 10 kilos of columbian pure through the guise of a commonplace cab. the coppers won't ever suspect a cab to act as a drug mule."
"hey Sal, how 'bout you just smuggle the pure by means of yer gaping asshole! HarHarHar!"

I'm pretty sure this is why; Sorry, my mind cuts off when the fifth visible drop of sweat hits the ground. time to hit the showers. Cycle Rinse Repeat